Will Venting Help You or Hurt You? You Make the Call

I have a confession to make: I’m an occasional venter.

Now, don't get me wrong; I don't go around venting to everyone I see about my latest problems, frustrations, and struggles. In fact, I have been encouraged by close friends and colleagues to express my emotions and feelings more often. That said, I am definitely guilty of letting it emotionally hang out.

Admittedly, this has been more of a learned behavior than an inherent one. Growing up, I prided myself on being logical and rationale in the tensest situations. I saw my ability to keep calm as a badge of honor – something I aspired to be and do.

But over the years, this would lead to moments when I couldn't keep my thoughts and feelings to myself any longer. The pressure of ‘keeping-it-in' led to an eruption of unfiltered opinions, emotionally-charged messages, and, yes, tears. I always regretted these moments of ‘venting' – and yet, I felt better after letting it out.

As an adult, I have studied the physiological and psychological benefits of sharing your feelings and expressing your emotions. I have been intentional about learning and practicing skills that enable this expression and have built trusting relationships where I can freely and openly share my thoughts. And I continue to help others do the same.

So, imagine my surprise when I saw a headline claiming that venting is not healthy for you. In fact, the researchers proved that it could perpetuate anger and negative feelings.

Wait! What? But all this work … all this time … all this practice! Were they now telling me that I should have stuck with my teenage habits and kept to myself? I had to get to the bottom of this.

So, I started with the basics: what is venting?

Venting Defined

Venting is often associated with a release of emotional dissatisfaction and a high degree of one-way communication (i.e., one person is doing most of the talking while the other listens).

According to an article in Psychology Today,

"[People] who vent have an agenda. They tend to [focus] on themselves and their own—presumably negative—experience. By showing their anger, frustration, or disappointment, they are soliciting attention from their confidantes."

Most of the time, venters are more interested in being heard and understood and less interested in problem-solving and advice. This is how they differ from those who complain. While venting is about seeking validation, complaining is typically about the desire to solve a problem.

Venting can also look and feel different depending on the degree of emotion a person is experiencing.

If the emotion is less intense, venting can look like two colleagues sharing stories of frustration calmly and amicably. But if the emotions are high or have been ‘pent up' for an extended amount of time, venting looks much more aggressive and physical. The venter likely has an elevated tone, may show signs of physical duress (i.e., turns red, sweats), has an increased heart rate, and has rapid movements. In other words, they've triggered a stress response and are ready to let it out.

Given that venting doesn't always look like someone ‘losing their cool', I still wondered if there's any harm in the occasional venting session. Of course, the answer is more nuanced than a simple yes or no.

Let's Vent! The Potential Benefits

While venting can feel one-sided and unnecessary some of the time, many colleagues and researchers believe that expressing one's dissatisfaction can be helpful in a few, overarching ways:

Relieves Tension: left unmanaged, our stress and anxiety can lead to psychological and physiological consequences. When our physical and emotional pain elevates, our ability to tolerate everyday frustrations decreases. We can become agitated, impatient, and irritable. Many believe that the cathartic release of proactively and appropriately expressing our frustrations helps us release emotional pressure, avoid cognitive burnout, and create mental stability.

Builds Relationships: openly sharing our thoughts and frustrations with others demonstrates a level of trust. Confiding in them and allowing them to confide in us, creates shared experiences and interpersonal closeness. It also can open the door to belonging as you go from being alone is your thoughts to feeling ‘heard and understood.’ This sense of belonging heightens when we feel as though the other person can relate to our frustrations or when they've experienced something similar.

Brings Clarity: sometimes, we aren't clear how we feel about a situation, a decision, or a relationship until we freely express what's on our mind. Permitting ourselves to vent (to a trusted and willing confidante) can help us identify and articulate how we feel. It creates a space to openly explore our thoughts without immediately needing a solution or coming to a conclusion. It can also allow us the time to move through an initial, emotional response before arriving at a clearer, logical one.

Shows We're Human: while venting may not be the most productive way for us to express ourselves, occasionally letting our thoughts spill out demonstrates a level of humanity and authenticity. When people seem robotic and guarded, we can feel disconnected and suspicious of their intentions. Seeing someone occasionally vent can put us at ease by assuring us that they are relatable and human.

Caution! Watch out Before you Vent

In spite of some potential benefits, not everyone agrees that venting is worthwhile. Many feel we should avoid it entirely. Why? For a few solid reasons:

Spreads Negativity: like a virus waiting for a new host, emotions are contagious. According to research conducted by Elaine Hatfield (co-author of the book Emotional Contagion), human beings are wired to catch the emotions of others. When we spend time venting negative emotions, we might personally feel better at the moment, but we are likely leaving our colleagues feeling more negative and defeated.

Ruins Relationships: now I know what you might be thinking: wait! I thought you said venting could build relationships. Both can be true. Venting can also ruin relationships when we fail to take the other person's needs into consideration, when we only reach out to the person to vent, or when the individuals become co-dependent on sharing miserable experiences. Individuals in healthy relationships share multiple experiences – including positive ones. When a chronic venter ends up abusing their colleague's willingness to be a trusted ear, the relationship can erode.

Feeds our Fire: when we are focused on venting, we are looking for validation, not solutions. In this way, we tend to seek out and vent to people who agree with us and justify our feelings. When we choose to express our frustrations without being open to solutions, we fail to address the root problem. This pattern can perpetuate the problem as we continue to feed it. When it comes to anger, the risk is even greater. Jeffrey M. Lohr, a psychologist at the University of Arkansas, found that

"venting anger doesn't reduce aggressive tendencies; [it] likely makes them worse."

Creates Bad Habit: The more we perform an action, the more it becomes hard-wired into our brains as a habit and the harder it is to change. Let’s face it: venting can feel good, which means we likely do it, even when we know we shouldn’t.  When we choose to focus on and express our negative thoughts continually, we limit the possibility of creating more positive neuropathways in the brain. This addictive venting can keep us from experiencing and appreciating the more positive aspect of our life.

Where do we go from here?

I have long held the belief that there is not a firm either/or in most debates, especially when it comes to human behavior. The decision to vent is no different.

Scientists and practitioners have long proven that it is vital to express our thoughts and feelings. The challenge is finding productive ways of communicating them. 

To do so in a manner that helps us work through our emotions, move towards clarity, respect the relationship, and honor the context is where the magic happens. While venting may not always be the best tactic for finding that sweet spot, knowing your patterns and habits around this behavior is a first step in being more intentional in your actions.

Regardless of whether you're a leader, manager, individual contributor, parent, sibling, or friend, we can all benefit from knowing when we've moved past the benefits of venting and into the danger zone.

Where are you landing on the debate?

And … are you a venter, too?

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